GOOD GRIEF

The year of 2008 will always be remembered as the "Best of times and the Worst of times" to borrow a phrase from a famous writer. It is the year I lost my brother to ALS and the year I saw my daughter marry her high school sweetheart. We ran the gamut of emotions and it aged me mentally and physically. Here is what has entailed the last year of my life.

The Good:

The Husband started out the year having his new book published and it turned out to be a huge success. He was on all the talk shows and did many book signings and was very pleased with himself. No one thought he had another book in him (not even himself) but with much urging from a dear friend and an enthusiastic small publisher he did what he always does, win.

Our lovely Daughter married her high school sweet heart. They have actually been dating since junior high but that does not sound as lyrical as "high school sweethearts" and truth be told they were not actually in love until high school so I guess it is not completely dishonest to proclaim that title.

They had their ceremony at a little farm that was owned by the same family for 3 generations spanning over 100 years. The current owner is a former judge who stands only 5 feet tall but has a personality of a 7 foot tall man. He was 87 years old and rode a golf cart around the property (which is now exclusively an outdoor wedding chapel with lovely gardens in themes for whichever mood the current couple paying for the space is in) instructing everyone where to go and where to stand, when to begin and when to leave. His voice was loud and clear and judicious and the ceremony was perfect.

Our daughter's old show horse delivered her to the altar in a small cart driven by the horse's current trainer who our daughter now works for part time. It was the horse's final performance in front of a crowd. He was dressed in a highly polished black harness with ribbons in his mane and tail that matched the wedding color theme and his hoofs were painted with silver glitter and shown so sparkly as he pranced delicately to the gazebo where the groom waited, the audience anticipated and the parents of both parties cried with joy. His retirement was announced by the judge and tears were then shed by the entire company of guests and relatives and friends. It was a glorious day for everyone. We were overwhelmed to find that 300 people attended the wedding and reception and everyone still talks of what a beautiful event it was and what a wonderful time they all had.

My little Sister's husband finally left her . Now this may not seem to be a good thing to some people but for our family as a whole, it was a blessing. We had been begging this poor woman to leave him for years but she was too afraid of trying to get by on her own. She has Lupus and her Son has Cystic Fibrosis so she did not think she had the energy or the skills to be able to support herself and her son who is still in school and has other disabilities besides the CF. We, as a family, assured her that her Ex-husband's wear and tear on her and her son's emotional well being was way more scary than facing the world alone as two disabled people. We, as a family, also assured her of our support both physically and financially so the break up was a much smoother operation than it one of that type would normally be. The Ex-husband was not as inclined to bully and posture when facing the entire family of relatives of his wife than if he had only her and their son to intimidate. The Ex-husband was never physically violent but his mouth was as brutal as any fist or weapon and has left both with the equivalent scars on their physche. My Sister and her Son now have a nice two bedroom apartment in a building equipped for the disabled in a small town close to shopping and recreation and her son's school. They have a small government stipend (less than $700.00 a month ** the Ex-Husband cannot pay child support as required by state law ** he says cannot find work and he has certain dependency problems and he is mostly lazy , living off his parents) because my sister recently lost her job at a store selling wedding gowns (we bought our Daughter's dress as well as the bridesmaids dresses there to help keep it in business while she worked there) due to the down turn in the current economic situation but still looks for employment. They are happy to be out of their former stressful situation and try to have an optimistic outlook for their future.

Two weeks after returning from Paradise abroad to the Paradise of our other home a small unobtrusive pipe in a wall in my Husband's office broke flooding the northern half of the lower level of our home. OK, this sounds really depressing but it turned out to be a wonderful gift.

1. Our insurance paid for everything

2. We got rid of the old horrible white shag carpeting that came with the house and we all hated

3. We got the piping redone so as never to happen again.

4. We got all new paint on all the walls of the room affected which is so nice and fresh

5. We finally had to sort out and clean the storage room !

So for a month and a half of complete disruption of our lives complete with strangers going in and out of our home from 8 AM to 5 PM everyday and giant driers blowing for two weeks day and night and seeing our prized possessions being hauled away to a storage facility and all the coordinating and craziness that went into it we ended up with a completely remodeled and redecorated entertainment room, office, kitchen and bathroom in our lower level a month before our daughter's wedding . How perfect is that!

My Niece and her Husband (whom we all LOVE) are pregnant with their first child! We cannot wait. My Niece was the first grandchild of my Parents and she has always been special to me of all my nieces and nephews because she made me an Aunt for the first time. We are all breathlessly waiting for the sonograms or ultra sounds or what ever they are called when she brings them to family gatherings . Unfortunately, I cannot see the baby shape in them. To me, it looks like a chicken embryo! Of course I ooh and ahh like everyone else and pretend to see a foot or hand or face but it seems more like a Rorschach ink blot test than anything like a human being. The baby shower planning is in full swing with no less that 3 already on the social calendar at this time. My Husband is questioning the need for so many parties for one baby but he does not understand the need for females (even those who no longer can nor wish to or are ready to procreate) to shop for, handle and buy baby clothes and then present their unique perspective on what the new Baby needs to other women of like minds all, of course, obscured by bags and boxes and paper and bows of pastel pinks, blues, yellow and green. Anyway, we are all thrilled for new life in our family.

The Bad:

We attended way too many funerals and those we could not attend were sent phone calls and cards and flowers and memorials. The Husband saw his friends lose parents and he also lost some friends. None that were too close but that he had known in high school as fellow athletes or acquaintances. Together we said goodbye to old friends of our parents generation and parents of the friends we share as a couple. It seems the older we get we are attending multiple funerals every year. We keep forgetting our age and what type of life we will be leading in our future and it definitely includes lots more funerals. That in itself is depressing but the good news is we are still healthy and active. Knock on wood.

The really bad part of last year was the torture my poor Brother endured the last year of his life and how it has impacted our family.

Let me start with a quick synopsis of our lives as children with our parents. Our parents were not well off while they were together and started our family. This put a lot of stress on them when the family grew to 4 children. Remember that birth control was not something we would consider 100% reliable in those days and large families were the norm. Consequently their marriage ended after only a little over a decade. My Mother had no high school diploma, no drivers license and 4 mouths to feed. My Father was having troubles of his own and we knew not to rely on his support but that he did love us. To make a long story short, our Mother worked two jobs. A day shift and a night shift. During the day she worked at a small restaurant that was family owned and they had an office with a TV where my little brother who was a toddler spent his afternoons being watched over by the restaurant owners or their wives or our Mother on her breaks. We were lucky that she was usually home to see us older kids off to school. She was usually on her way home when we got off the bus. She would then clean up and show me what was made for supper in the refrigerator or she would bring us home food from the day job . After looking at what school work we had to do, giving us our chores for the night and kissing us goodbye our Mother left for her second job, also at a restaurant. We were left to our chores, school work and I would put to bed the younger children and then myself. Mother came home around midnight.

This life style made us a very close knit group. We felt it was us against the world. Our Mother eventually (by attending classes on her nights off or weekends) got her GED diploma and her drivers license (we were really happy about that as we did not have to take a cab to the grocery store, imagine a mother 4 kids and bags of groceries in the back of a cab!) I tell you this long story because it is important to understand the impact on all of us when one of the five of us has died. It makes sense to explain our dedication to each other and our reliance on each other as a support network from the time we were very young and impressionable. We were so very lucky when our Mother found our Stepfather and they married as he turned out to be the man who would most influence all of us and give us the fatherly love and affection and guidance we so sorely lacked for many years. He never had children of his own and yet was as good a father to us and loved us as if we were.

Now back to the story of my Brother. My Brother was the youngest of 4 children with 3 older sisters to love and torture and school him until he left home. He was a wonderful and very happy baby and little boy. He and I became close because I was the care giver when he was a baby and when our Mother was at work. That was a lot of hours for us to be together. Our relationship stayed close and strong though out our lives even after I married and traveled away with the Husband and had my own children. In fact, after I had children and the Husband still had to travel for work, my Brother as a young unmarried man spent many weekends at our home helping me with my kids and making me laugh.

His marriage and having his own two sons made us unable to be together as much as we wanted to but it was a natural change of life for us and it never broke the bond. Sometimes he would come to my house when his sons were older and my children were gone and we would still have hours long conversations about our lives and loves.

My brother was always a healthy person and ate and exercised. He was not a fanatic but he knew the value it added to your life. He had recently found his dream job and was working his way up the ladder and receiving promotions and salary raises. He was a regular church goer and a very involved member and a became a Deacon. He even volunteered to go to the homes of the aged or housebound and drive them to church. He was the president of the PTO for his children's school district. He ran fund raisers and changed the rules and became very well known in his community . He even fought city hall and won over a home owners rights problem.

About a year and a half ago he went in for his regular physical exam and a colonoscopy was recommended and done as he was in his 40's and had never had one. It came back showing some polyps that had to be removed but it was nothing cancerous or anything. A few months later, he was having bowel problems and he went back to learn he had colitis. A few months after that his condition escalated to ulcerative colitis. It became much worse and he was hospitalized. He lost 90 pounds in two months and somehow became infected with the C-Diff bacteria and it almost cost him his life. He missed 6 months of work but was so well liked they saved his position for him and paid him half salary. He began to battle back from the ulcerative colitis, found the food and drug combination that kept him fairly comfortable and his condition stable. He began feeling so much better and stronger and returned to his beloved job. During his return to work, after only two weeks, he found 3 inefficient programs and retooled them and was told another promotion and raise and possible new job description was in the very near future. He was happy and full of excitement to get his life back in order. His wife had missed a great deal of work during his long illness with the colitis and she was glad to get back to her job and to be a wife again instead of her husband's nurse. Their two sons had also suffered watching their father's struggle and were also glad to begin again. My Brother and his family came our Daughter's wedding and he danced and ate and drank wine and laughed and we have photos of him and video of him wishing his niece and new nephew in law a long and happy marriage. Everything in our extended family seemed to be going along so well.

One day Burt was at work , he stood up from his desk chair and turned to walk to the restroom, took a step and fell down. He fell so hard that he broke his hand and required 20 stitches in his chin. He thought he must have tripped on his shoe laces. He did notice that one was longer than the other. We joked and kidded him about his clumsiness and we all thought that is was due to his general weakness left over from the long bout with ulcerative colitis . My Brother fell 2 more times but was able to catch himself and break his fall so he did not get hurt. He started to feel very weak. One day after work, he found it very difficult to walk to his car in the parking ramp. He could barely turn the key in the door to open it. After he entered his car, he found he had no strength left to simply turn the key in the ignition. He found a way to do it by using a pen through the key ring and using it for leverage to turn the key and start the car. He felt fear flow through him as he had no idea what this new weakness was or where it came from. He later told me the drive home that afternoon was an utter nightmare for him. He had trouble just operating the steering wheel to keep the car on the road. Changing lanes was almost impossible and he was near tears when he finally pulled into his driveway. He never drove to work again. After hearing of his terrible day, his wife insisted they their doctor and he in turn sent my Brother to a specialist in neurology. In one week my Brother needed help to get into bed and go to the bathroom. In one more week, he was using a walker and could not feed himself. Another week later, he was in a wheel chair and could not walk nor take care of himself. That week the specialist had the tests they ran on him back. My parents and my second Sister and my Bother and his wife all went to the specialist office to hear the results. It was the worst it could be . ALS. Lou Gehrig's disease. The results are fatal. There is nothing to stop or slow it. There is no cure. My Brother was going to die. They gave him 3 months at tops, possible only 2, left to live. To love his children and his wife enough to last them the rest of his life and theirs. To say goodbye to his extended family and his many friends and his existence on this planet. We were all so devastated that it is unexplainable in words to tell you how it feels unless you have gone through it. His health insurance did not cover home nursing care and his poor wife had used up all her sick leave, vacation and other kinds of leave when he was so ill from the colitis that she could not stay at home with him. My parents were retired and so were his wife's parents. Due to the extreme personal nature of my brother's care, he was more comfortable with his own parents doing that so his wife's parents became the errand runners and helped get the his two sons to school and church and community functions. After a week or so, our parents were so worn out it was decided that I (who had no real job other than what I always did as a homemaker) would help out. Our parents took the morning to early afternoon and I took the early afternoon to evening and stayed until the boys and his wife were home. Our schedule worked out very well but it was very tiring and extremely hard emotionally to see him deteriorate daily and try to stay positive and cheerful for him as our hearts were breaking. Our two sisters (one had two jobs and the other had Lupus and her son with his CF kept her very busy) did whatever they could and they came to visit on the weekends so our parents and I could attend to our homes and rest.

At one point, the professional caregivers that were helping our sister and her son with CF learned of our Brother's illness and provided 30 days of in home care for free! We were overjoyed! The woman they sent to help us was a very small person but had a huge heart. There always needed to be two persons to pick up my Brother to get him in the wheelchair, to put him on the toilet, to bathe him, get him out of bed, dress him and into a chair. Her help allowed one of our parents to stay at home for the day and in my case, made it so much easier to take over more of the duties my parents had to handle themselves before I arrived. I have to let you know that my parents are in their early 70's but were so healthy and strong and had such love and compassion for their son that it was never a question that they would not be there for him at a moments notice during his entire illness.

The worst of this disease is when the victim can no longer speak for them selves. ALS involves the nuerons of the nervous system. They begin to slough off the nerves so the brain can no longer deliver the messages to move to all the parts of the body that are brain controlled. Your heart will continue to pump with out your brain's telling it to and your digestive system will also continue to do it's job without the brain. However, you won't be able to breathe or swallow or talk or move or blink you eyes unless your brain can deliver the message to do so.

At the stage of ALS when my Brother could no longer speak, he used his eyebrows , raising them up and down or he would blink his eyes for yes or no. We found his entire personality and sense of self could be shown through the espression of feeling in his eyes . Then came the day he could no longer blink and we were bereft. It was the last two days of his life.

My Brother refused the throat operation that would put a breathing tube in it to his lungs so he could be kept alive. He tried to not have a feeding tube but as his body deteriorated his colitis came back with a vengence and he had tubes for his feeding and his bowel movements at the end.

Through out his illness, he maintained his positive attitude, his faith in God and his ability to direct his medical care and quality of life. We were amazed at his endurance and his determination. He lived just as long as the specialist had originally predicted. It was the fastest moving case of ALS the doctors had ever seen They called the Mayo Clinic and Harvard University Medical School and Reseach Hospital to try to find out why but no one could answer the questions.

We kept him at his home as long as we could. He was hospitalized twice and we brought him home as soon as they would let us. We had his 3 season porch made into a 4 season comfortable place where we put his hospital bed and he could look out the many windows and see his yard and the birds and squirrels in it. His beloved yellow lab and his smarty pants black and white cat were able to visit with him.

His last day at home we had finally called for a hospice nurse. He was having trouble breathing and we were giving him oxygen and using a machine to clear his nose and throat of the mucous that kept collecting because he could not clear it himself. He could only look at us with love and though we all tried hard not to believe it, we knew he was in his last days or even hours. Many family members and friends and his minister were coming and going and telling Burt how much he meant to them and how happy he was a part of their lives. We all prayed around him and made him as comfortable as possible. We did not stop any feeding or breathing help. At about 6 PM that evening I suddenly felt very nervous and very exhausted. I had been there at my brother's home since the early part of the day and we had all taken instruction in other new treatments for the end of his life. I went to his side and told him I needed to go home and rest for a bit. There were still many people there including our parents and his wife's parents and other family members. My brother's eyes gave me the go ahead and he had seemed to be rallying and getting new strength. I felt confident that I would return either later that evening or in the morning. I got in my car and headed for home and cried as I was driving. I was so full of emotion and heartache and so tired that I called the Husband and asked him to talk to me to keep me on the road. I found myself looking around and not recognizing any of the landscape looking familiar and was terribly afraid I was lost and would not find my house. How I got to my driveway I do not remember at all. I came in and went straight to the Husband and collapsed in his arms. We ate a light meal and I sat in my favorite chair a human vegetable. Suddenly the phone rang and my Brother's youngest son said, "Auntie, you need to come back." "Why what has happened? Is your father worse?" My nephew's sorrow and fear became so papable over the phone line that my heart began to race and I my stomach clenched in fear. His reply was,"Please, just come right away!" I ran around the house finding my purse and my shoes and the Husband stopped me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not driving myself to my Brother's home. We walked into the house and up the stairs and someone, I cannot remember who, said that my Brother had just passed. I felt the words in my entire body. It was as powerful as a blow. The Husband reached out to me and then I had to go to my Brother. He was still in the exact position that he was in when hepassed from this life into what ever he believed was out there waiting for him. His eyes were half closed, his mouth hung open, his head was hanging on the side of his pillow. His wife and sons and the family dog were ain chairs at his bedside holding each other crying silently. They looked up at me and told me it was a very peaceful passing. My Mother was crying like a helpless child and my Father was holding her fighting the tears in his own eyes to be as he always is, the rock of our family.

I had cared for my Brother so long that I could not stop myself from continuing doing so. I held his hand and told him how much I loved him and was surprised that he was still so warm. I closed his eyes and told him I was going to make him more comfortable and repositioned his head on his pillow. I gently moved his arms to his side and after kissing each of his hands, I put them on his stomach, one on top of the other. I straightened his legs and smoothed his blankets and sheet. I took out his feeding tube and we turned off all the machines that kept him on earth with us. I kissed his forehead and sat at his side a respectful distance from his wife and sons so as not to intrude on their grieving.

It is so strange to look upon a dead person that you have loved and cared for all of their life. It is a body you recognize and but it is so clearly empty of the one you loved. I kept thinking, did his chest move? Did his eye lid twitch? I could not stop looking for signs of him still there. Later I was consumed with the comfort of my Mother and Father and Sisters and our Daughter and he Husband. (our son had to fly in from our home in Paradise where he had taken residence for a while and that is another blog story!) Our Daughter was uncertain if she wanted to see the dead body of her beloved Uncle but then decided it was good to say goodbye. She too kept asking if his chest had just moved and watched for signs of life. Her Husband, my new Son in Law was so kind to her and our family. I was so glad she had him to cry with when she went home. Later the coroner was called to give a final affirmative of death and the cremation society came to take his body away. My poor Mother could not bear to see her son taken so my Father took her home. My brother's wife and one youngest Son could not watch it and went itno a bedroom. I stayed and so did my Daughter and the Son in Law. When the men arrived to take my Brother's body, now there were only two. Even with my Brother's fraility, the men were unable to handle him on their own and my wonderful Son in Law stepped up and took a side as did my Brother's oldest Son to take him down the stairs and out the front door. I told my Mother before she left that I would make sure he was not alone when he left and I walked with his body out to the hearse and told him goodbye from me and all his family and his Mother and Father and kissed his forehead one last time. It was a very wonderful moment for me and a final goodbye that left me comforted.

Grief is a very personal thing. In the United States, you are allowed about a month of intensive crying and sadness and then maybe another couple of weeks of quiet grief. Beyond that, if you have not gotten over it people think you need to seek a doctor and get medication. My Mother and has cried everyday since her son died. She is unconsolable. My Father cries when he is alone and spends the rest of his time helping my Mother. If it were my child, I would be just like my Mother. I do not know how you can stand the los of your child no matter what their age. I myself still feel the loss of His presence. I could go without seeing or hearing from by Brother for a month and never give it a thought. I often did when we began to live in Paradise. Now I think of him daily. I wake up at night and think of him and his suffering. I dream of him and how he was before the terrible illness that tortured and then took him away. After our return to Paradise, I built him a shrine of rocks and shells and wood from the beach and put a solar light outside of it and a candle for night time to shine on in the world and let me feel close to him.

I worried a great deal about my Mother and Father until one day here in Paradise I received an invitation to a Memorial service at the home of the Rancho Family that lives next to our home in Paradise in the arroyo. Their son had died 4 years ago of kidney failure. Every year they have a gathering of their friends and family members to help them grieve the loss of their son. The local priest comes out and gives a short mass and communion is available for the deserving. He gives a sermon of comfort for everyone and reminds them that their beliefs say their son is not dead, just gone to a wonderful place where he suffers no more, is happy and is in the company of other family members, friends and loved ones who have gone on from this earth. During this time the Men are at the back of the crowd and the Mother and Sisters of the dead son are in the front and the rest of the female family and friends surround them. Everyone is either crying or sniffling or has eyes wet with unshed tears. When the mass is over a great feast is served and everyone is hugging each other and laughing and talking and telling stories of the dead son. Friends and neighbors chat and everyone has a wonderful afternoon of hope. When I was saying my goodbyes, I went to the Mother of the dead son and after thanking her for inviting me and for the wonderful food I asked her if the pain of her son was still so sharp. She knew I had lost my brother and she looked at me and said," The pain is the same today as the day he died, it never goes away, I have just learned how to live with it." I told her how my Mother was suffering over the death of my Brother and she said,"Let her cry, let her grieve it is her right as his Mother and it will help her." I was so grateful to hear those words. It lightened my day and my heart. I immediately emailed the experience to my Mother and Father and they were relieved to hear it is the same experience world wide. We will have a memorial service for my Brother on his birthday now every year. Some grief is good. It is there for us to use and to help us get over things we cannot understand nor bear. It is the grief that makes it bearable and allows us to live and continue to find love and beauty and joy in a harsh world. Just writing this post on my blog has helped me to remember and get rid of some of the sadness that is still in me. I am sorry it is so long. I really needed to do this.

I have been away from my blog but now I am back and ready to write again. Hope you enjoy the new stories.

Thoughts on Paradise and why I love it so

I came to Paradise in the winter. What was it that made me stay here? Why did I not follow my first instincts and run back to where I came from? Why did I fall in love after a horrendous drive to get here that made me scared, furious and so tired I felt like I wanted to sleep for days when we arrived? What kept me from jumping out of the vehicle?

It was the vista that dazzled my eyes and touched something inside me that had no yet been reached. I had no idea there was anything left inside of me to be discovered. It was not the last thing I found.

Our home is wide and deep and full of air and sunshine with ocean views to our east and rough, pointy mountains to our west. In between are ranches that reminded me of small town middle America family farms owned by the 4th or 5th generation men and women and children, land that is passed down.

I spent a week unpacking, exploring, meeting my neighbors and trying to find a reason to leave and go back to my family, grown children and friends to my lovely home on the lake.

I am glad I was not successful.

Things I have held in my hands or arms or touched since I have arrived here:

Alive:

Pelicans
Walking Stick (insect)
Sierra (fish)
Jack Crevelle (fish)
Hermit Crab
Baby Chicken
Baby Rabbit
Baby Cow
Horse
Flowers
Cholla (Jumping Cactus)
Sea

Not Alive (but not necessarily dead)

Scorpion
Centipede
Crab Lobster
Seal
Dolphin
Shark
Shells
Eel
Pelicans
Cow Bones
Horse Bones
Pig (while being butchered)
Sand
Rocks
Tarantula



I love the way the beach changes everyday. I love to search the shoreline for different forms of sea life that have lost their battle with the ocean and are tossed up on the sand. The weird pieces of other peoples property that end up here like tiles, bottles, nets and even pieces of cars! Garbage to most, interesting to ponder for some.

I love seeing the mother whales and their babies breaching. I love to track the sea lions and dolphins with my telescope. I am especially thrilled with the 'fish boils' which are huge schools of sardines that form a giant ball to protect themselves fro predator fish that hunt them tirelessly from below while pelicans dive bomb them from above. All the while the sea that surrounds them boils and foams and travels up and down the shore until the sardines are just a small group and the predators and the pelicans are sated and spent.

I love the long winding dirt road behind our property the I walk down to the tremendous arroyo lined with rock walls ten stories high. There are cactus and agave and trees and plants of all kinds clinging to the sides of those walls and all manner of lizards, birds, rodents and insects make their homes in them. As I walk the arroyo floor, I come upon little oasis's where boulders have tumbled down crevices made by rushing water to become small waterfalls and pools filled with even more plants and wildlife. Flowers attract thousands of butterflies that come here to escape the harsh snows of their homeland just like we do.

I have seen and touched and experienced so many things that I knew existed but never thought I would have a chance at trying. I wake up everyday thinking,"What do I want to do today?" I go to sleep each night thinking,"How lucky am I to have this happen to me when I am still able physically and mentally to try it all.

The orange, yellow and purple dawns inspire me and the pink and sapphire blue evenings calm me. All the while the sea is the continuous background music that ranges from Heavy Metal to Bach to Sinatra playing twenty four hours a day.

I have made friends with the local ranch families and enjoy buying fresh eggs from them that carry the remnants of the mother's body still on the shells and sometimes the remnants of the father's in the yolks. I also buy the cheese from their milk cows that is rich, creamy and tastes of desert sage, sea salt, the earth and the cow. The families are close and often the grandparents are still on the property living with them. Children, there are always children. A combination of cousins and friends. The families are strong and the love runs deep and the loyalty is forever. They have family fights and sometimes do not speak but in the end, the ties that bind are made of metal and silk and will never be broken forever.

I have a feeling of peace here that is absent in my homeland. I am not fearful here as I was there. Here we pick up families or women with children and their luggage looking for a ride or old men from their broken down cars or young men get pulled out of the ditch all of which we find on the roads into town. They open the doors to our vehicles and we find new experiences through our discussions in broken English and Espanola as we take them along and drop them off on the way.

Our remote location makes neighbors stop by to let you know the propane truck is in the area or that their generator is broke down and they need help. We share trips into town for supplies or to the airport. We watch out for each other.

It is a life I remember from my childhood seldom felt as I became an adult.

I am dreaming while I am awake, imagining while I am walking and feeling my senses expand as I go about my business of living life to the fullest in a place that allows and encourages it.

The Eye of the Beholder

What is beauty to you ? Is it in a face or a flower or the scenery around you? Is it the eyes of your loved one? The face of a newborn child? The amount of your balance in your stock portfolio?

How do you interpret it? Is it the outside or the inside?

Here in paradise I find beauty everyday but I don't always appreciate it when it is always in front of me. Many times when I am feeling blue, I look around and nothing is beautiful to me. My eyes are blinded by my emotions. Yet the beauty is still there whether I perceive it or not. Though I am oblivious everyone else still sees. It is in the eyes of the Beholder.

I was once a beautiful woman. I know this because people told me so. They told me enough times that I believed them and used it to my advantage whenever I could. As I aged, less people told me I was beautiful. Those that love me continue to tell me I am beautiful, but strangers do not tell me anymore. This really bothered me. I began buying cremes and potions and took pills and tried all different exercises to make myself as beautiful as I once was. I thought I was losing my power, my ego, myself! I was shocked when I looked in a mirror and did not recognize myself anymore. Who is this wrinkled, sagging person?

In my dreams I am always young and beautiful. No matter how terrible the dream, I am young and beautiful. Sometimes I wake up thinking I still look that way and when I catch my reflection I am surprised again. Why doesn't my mind understand that my body will change? Why is it so important to me to stay beautiful. Are all women like this or am I so egotistical and insecure that it is a personal problem?

Ah, but there must be a lot of women who feel this way or there would not be so many ways to try and stop the aging process available to us to buy.

In Paradise, the people born and raised here seem to have a different approach to aging. It seems to be embraced rather than defied. The older people are revered for their knowledge and are taken care of by their families. The women continue to dress nicely and and age appropriately and still put up their hair, but I don't see them going to the extremes that the women (me included) in my homeland do.

In my homeland I see women in their 60's wearing clothing that should be worn by girls in their 20's. It is embarrassing. Yet, I find myself heading towards the shops where I have bought my clothes since I was in my 20's and have to remind myself that there is nothing there for me anymore. As I pass the windows I keep thinking, " Oh that would look so good on me!" The truth is I would look terrible in that kind of clothing now! Why can't I turn that part of me off? Why do I continue to think of my self as a young woman?

I don't think I could do the surgery for a face lift or a rear end lift but I think about it. I am too much of a wimp to get myself cut open unless it was medically necessary. Yet I still think about it.

Since I have aged, has my life really changed? I can still run (though not as fast or far and now my knees ache when I do), I can still ride horses ( though not as long a ride nor as wild a horse and I ache sometimes), I can still dance(though not many men ask me to anymore and I uncomfortable dancing alone in public as I still dance like I did when I was young and it seems wrong somehow so now I dance by myself in my house or under the full moon outside), I can still do most of the physical activities that I always did, in a modified format. Maybe that is why I never picture my self looking old. I live my life much the same way as I always have.

I am very lucky to have a man that has loved me since I was very young and still loves me today. The Husband claims that this is possible because we are aging together so the changes are so gradual as not to be noticed by either of us. It must be true because when I think of him, I don't think of him the way he looks now I think of him the way he looked when we met. I also see him that way when I look at him now. That sounds very trite and in this time of the world almost impossible but I think we were born just before all the romance went out of the world. If you look at the true meaning of romance, it means having imagination and and sentimentality. I cannot imagine being introduced as "This is ma bitch!" Although we were a part of the "This is my old lady"era, I was lucky enough to pick a man who thought those words were ugly. It is also an explanation or an excuse maybe, for the way I see myself! If he is still young in my eyes, so must I still be young in his. There is another man in my life that tells me I am beautiful all the time and that man is my Father. Though maybe this does not count because all father's think their daughters are beautiful. I guess my Son does not count either. All in all, I am lucky to have all these men around that still tell me I am beautiful. There are many women who don't have that kind of love in their lives. I just realized that I am more concerned about how the men in the world and particularly those in my life see me and have not mentioned the women! Very interesting. I don't want to deal with that in this blog. A future one maybe. Hmm.......

Somehow I have found myself finally coming around to accept my aging. I don't know when it happened. I still use creams and potions for the fun of buying them, the pretty bottles and boxes they come in and the way they make my skin feel soft. I accept that I have had my time of youth and beauty. I accept that the Husband's love and affection and his admiration of whatever beauty I have is enough for me. Whom else should I be beautiful to? I accept that I have a long wonderful time ahead of me and that it will no longer have to be based on how 'Beautiful' I need to be to feel in power or control of my life. It is no longer how beautiful I look but how wonderful I feel, how much longer I can live and what more I can experience. Will I let myself get fat or stop taking care of my skin and hair? NO! However, I accept who I am and what I look like now and I will no longer compare myself to how I used to be. It is in the eyes of the Beholder!

Beauty is also about your surroundings. I like winter, not when drags on past the time it should be gone and the tulips should be blooming but I do like snow and the cold weather that makes you wear big sweaters and build fires and drink hot drinks.

I like trudging through snow and hearing the crunching underfoot while listening to the crackling of the ice on branches being moved around by the wind. I like seeing my breath and feeling my face get cold and turn red. I like the stillness that comes in long cold winter nights.

Many people hate winter and that is why I only get to spend a little time in it. I make the compromise for the Husband who is a winter hater. The compromise is not hard for me because I get to come to Paradise when I have to leave the winter. He thinks winter is only beautiful the first fluffy snow fall. He hates the in between fall and winter days, the leafless trees, the brown lawns, the gray mornings. He hates the ice and the deep dark cold of winter. I see the beauty in all of it, I like the change. It's always in the eyes of the Beholder.

I look at old run down houses out in the country on abandoned farms and imagine them to be like old photographs that age and yellow. I see the beauty that was and imagine the lives spent living in it. Some people call them eyesores. It is in the eyes of the Beholder.

Look at some of the most kind, smart, or artistic people in the world. How many of them are beautiful? Humphrey Bogart. Even his name is ugly but Lauren Bacall fell in love with him and he was beautiful to her which made him beautiful to us. Cleopatra was not considered a beautiful woman but Caesar and Mark Anthony lost their hearts and their powerful positions in Rome because of their love for her and made her and the icon of the beautiful seductiveness of women. Eleanor Roosevelt cared for the world and tried to make life better for many people and was loved by thousands of people. It is in the eyes of the Beholder.

I love to look at beauty wherever I find it. It is what 'I' perceive that is beautiful. Not what someone else sees. It is how you feel, see and touch the world that brings beauty to your eyes, the eyes of the Beholder.

Gone to the Dogs

Meet Tonkay! He is a rancho dog. He resides at the rancho down the road from my house in Paradise. Tonkay is a pit bull with a heart of gold. Tonkay is not the brightest bulb in the box but Tonkay is the poster dog for the words,"Eternal Optimist"! Next to the 'Dog' I own, Tonkay is my favorite dog in the whole world!





Tonkay is a young strong dog who is always happy to see you. He is at the, clumsy not yet used to his own body, stage in his life. Sometimes it looks like his front end does not know what his back end is doing. His body seems to be made of iron and rubber. I have seen him run full speed into an inanimate object and not get injured. I have also seen him lie completely flat on the ground with all four legs sprawled out like a rag doll.



Tonkay is supposed to be a guard dog but always welcomes anyone that comes to the gate of his owners house. He loves all humans. But his best type of guard work is warning his owners of predators like skunks or coyotes that are roaming near the ranch house or stalking their flock of chickens. He has also warned the house residents when a snake is in the area so all in all, Tonkay is good to have around.





However Tonkey is a big pest a most of the time. When you arrive at the rancho, he comes running towards you at full speed and leaps up and plops his big dirty paws on your stomach or legs leaving behind not only sand and dirt but also a big gob of slobber and sometimes unintentional scratches from his claws as he slides down the front of your body!

Your sharp exclamation of surprise, pain and then indignation at such treatment causes Tonkay to shrink in size until he is a small crouching figure that eventually collapses into the classic pose of complete abjectation which is the 'flat on his stomach all limbs out to the sides eyes cast downward' pose where he will lay completely still until he hears the least bit of forgiveness or sympathy in your voice which will cause him to again to jump to his feet and begin leaping up on your body!

This is when you start trying to convince Tonkay to go away which is only possible by threatening him which brings on the 'abject humility' pose which starts the whole process once more. It is a vicious cycle that can only be broken by violence when you are first in the company of Tonkay.

As you make your way into the yard and up to the rancho house, Tonkay continues to wriggle and writhe at your feet so you are stumbling and mumbling the whole way. The Senora is usually the first person to greet you and when she sees you at the mercy of the rancho 'guard dog' the first word out of her mouth is "TONKAY" and not in a nice way! Tonkay immediately begins his shrinking and skulking act but still tries to entice you into petting him or at least giving him a sympathetic eye but as the Senora gets closer he spies the switch in her hand and Tonkay slinks away to a safer distance from the Senora. Then you also are safe to do your visiting or other business at the rancho.





I have come to know my neighbors at the rancho and find them to be a charming, kind, hardworking, honest family who take pride in their work and good care of their animals. They are generous to a fault and willing to help you with any situation at anytime. I buy eggs and homemade cheese from them and bring them small gifts like chocolates or fruit or alfalfa hay from town. They give me the run of the rancho to photograph the animals and the way the family works and lives. They have also let me borrow a horse to ride which brings me back to my relationship with Tonkay.



I come to the rancho to ride the Horse and I ride the Horse to relax and enjoy the scenery of Paradise without the noise of an ATV under me and sometimes my legs are just too tired to do all the walking it would take to see all the beauty here. When I first started coming to ride the Horse, my first job would be to calm Tonkay down enough to let me get to the Horse. My strenuous attempts to accomplish that goal would alert the Senora that Tonkay was bothering me which would then make her have to stop what she was doing to get the switch and come out to discipline the dog. After that, I could go to the Horse and get the him ready to go for the ride. But then I would feel guilty for making the Senora stop her work and for getting Tonkay in trouble.

The second problem is trying to ride the Horse out of the yard. Tonkay would get so excited to see me on the Horse that he would run under and around the Horses legs which made the Horse mad and then the Horse would try to kick Tonkay which would get yet another family member out to discipline Tonkay with the switch! So once more, I was feeling unhappy because I was afraid the Horse would kick Tonkay and injure him and I know the rancho owners would not have the money to take him to the vet and then Tonkay had gotten disciplined again because of me!



The good news is I finally was on the Horse and riding away. The bad news is Tonkay sneaked out and started to follow us down the road. My plan for the ride was to go to my casa, get my Dog and have him go for a walk with me and the Horse. Most of the rancho dogs in our area are pit bulls or pit bull cross breeds and almost all of them hate my Dog. I don't know why but they all want to fight him. Our Dog is not an aggresive one and will go out of his way to avoid confrontation. Pit bulls are loving family dogs but are deadly fighters and very territorial by nature so I did not want Tonkay any where near my Dog. I decided to go to my casa anyway and see if the Husband could run off Tonkay so I could continue with my plans to walk with our Dog. To make a long story short, Tonkay would not go away. Tonkay seemed so lovable and goofy I thought, oh what the heck, I will give him try with our Dog and see what happens. The Husband could stand by to break up any dog fights. As it turns out, I worried about nothing. Tonkay and the Dog were instant friends so we went out on the road for our ride.





The longer we four traveled down the road the more relaxed I became with Tonkay around. The only scary moments were when the Dog and Tonkay would get to running and playing and for some unknown reason always end up under or near the Horse's legs! That brought some tense moments to the ride. A little while latter, the Dog decided to run into the underbrush on the side of the road to check out a rabbit that had run by.

Tonkay was trotting alongside the Horse and I when we walked up to a large group of butterflies milling around the middle of the road. I have seen hundreds of them clustering around the flowering bushes on this road before. I then watched one of many such scenes to come, involving Tonkay and nature, that truly touched my heart and made Tonkay become precious to me. Tonkay put an eye on the butterflies flitting around his head and went into a clumsy, doggy ballet of leaping and running and dancing around in the midst of the butterflies!

I was at first spellbound by the sight of this goofy, powerful, dog enjoying life so much that it made him dance with delight. Next came laughter at the spectacle Tonkay and the Butterflies made for me to enjoy. Tonkay continued to make me laugh out loud on our walk that day, clowning with my Dog, running amok through the underbrush and then leaping out onto the road with that huge happy grin on his face with his mile long tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. Tonkay made that ride one of the best I have ever had. After a few outings with the four of us, me, Tonkay, the Horse, and the Dog even the Horse got to liking Tonkay and they would sniff nose to nose like good friends.





I later discovered that knowing how Tonkay would greet me everytime I came to the rancho, gave me the edge on how to stop him from leaping on me and destroying my clothes or skin. I would stoop down over the top of him and grab his great big block head with both hands and speak to him soothingly and start to pet him immediately. It made him squirm and wiggle but it also made him stop jumping. Tonkay still jumps next to me as I walk but not on me.



The more I was around him the more ways I was shown Tonkay's love of life and his tenderness to other beings. One day two abandon female puppies showed up at the rancho. Tonkay took over the role of big brother and nanny to the little girls like he was born to it. The two little puppies would run to him and he would fall to the ground so the girls could climb on his back or head and chew his tail or ears at will. Sometimes they just laid on him feeling safe and comforted as he licked them and sighed in contentment. If one became separated from him, Tonkay would worry and fret and search until the little female pup was back with him and her sister safely under his protection again.





Most of the time the rancho is quiet with only the sounds of goats, horses, cows, chickens and the pig eating, talking, scratching or rooting around. That peace is usually only broken by a loud voice crying, "Tonkay!!" and then the sound of the switch, whack whack and the plop of Tonkay hitting the dirt. He is never hurt by the switch, just sad at the discipline and Tonkay never seems to learn from or resent his lessons.

More importantly, Tonkay never gives up on any one or any thing. Tonkay is steadfast in his belief that life is always wonderful, water is always sweet and clear, a good meal is moments away, humans are always kind and loving, all animals are his friends, an adventure is just around the corner and tomorrow is another day to look forward to.



Tonkay has taught me lessons about life. I can be dark and moody and fretful sometimes. When those days come, I go to my computer and bring up a picture of Tonkay. It always makes me laugh and brightens my mood. I think Tonkay is like a guru or a spiritual leader. He is there to show me the way to a better life where I don't take my mistakes or my disappointments so seriously and instead of bemoaning my past, I should always look to the future with hope in my head and love in my heart. Not a bad philosphy to learn from a big, goofy dog.

A Day of Adventure and Reality

This day started out as a normal day. I did all of my regular routine in the morning with one exception. I was missing my children so I telephoned the one I knew would be home and able to talk to me. That was # 2 Child. #2Child was a little groggy even though it was after 9 am but that is because #2 Child is a night owl like me.

It was so very good to hear #2 Child's voice and listen to the details of #2Child's activities since our last conversation. I was also made aware of the activities of this Child's pets and horses. #2 Child was always an animal lover and when we all lived together, our houses were always full of the lost, injured or abandon animals the #2 Child would bring home. After a very nice chat I had to say goodbye and told #2 Child that the Father and I sent all of our love to #2 Child and the Fiance of #2 Child who is a wonderful human being that we adore.

Instead of my regular walk on the beach I decided to go back into the desert behind our home for a change of scenery. The Dog was confused at first as he was already heading for the beach when he saw me getting dressed. The Dog came back to me, cocked an ear my way and asked me 'what was up' with a look. I showed the Dog the knapsack and held out my hiking shoes and the Dog wagged his tail in recognition.

Our hike took us down a gravel road that leads to several small arroyos that cross it at different times. I took the first one as it is wide but not cavernous and the ground in it was dry. The sun has finally come back and it was a beautiful day. There was a small breeze that snuck along the arroyo walls to cool us and trees grew out of the rock walls and in the floor of the arroyo to offer us shade. Butterflies of every size and color were fluttering around the flowers brought out by the rains that fell during the dark cold days of the past two weeks. There is only the sound of the wind blowing and the branches of trees swaying. The sweet quiet of nature undisturbed by the noise of progress is a rare thing these days and I cherished every minute of it. The Dog is a silent walker so there was only the crunch of my hiking shoes on the sandy floor of the arroyo to add to the music of the wilderness around me.

We walked for about 3/4 of a mile or so and after many twists and turns we found ourselves in the main arroyo which runs to the south of us. I was surprised as I did not know this small arroyo emptied there. I decided to walk to the waterfall that was up ahead a ways. The Dog was very glad for this as he was very thirsty and knew that water was near.

At the waterfall I took off my hiking shoes and cooled my feet by walking along the waters path carved out in the sand. The Dog lay down in the stream and drank the water that ran between his front legs. I looked at the waterfall and the rocks it fell from and decided to leave my knapsack and hiking shoes and follow the water up stream from the falls. The Dog, who is always ready for an adventure, was more than ready to go exploring.

We climbed the rocks around the waterfall and came to a flatter area scattered with smaller jagged rocks so I immediately missed my shoes! I found a long branch and using it as a staff , picked my way along the rocks to find yet another waterfall. The stream had cut a path through some large slabs of granite that had a beautiful green mineral that ran in it. I could not resist sliding my hand along the path of the water through the rock to feel how smooth the water had polished it. We had some little difficulty here as the Dog had trouble getting a good grip on solid stone so he took to leaping up to the tops of rocks rather than trying to get good footholds with his pads and toenails. I struggled a bit as the rocks near the water were slippery with algae but managed to scramble my way up. At the top the land leveled off to a lovely spot with trees and flowering bushes and cactus with the stream bubbling all through it. There were huge slabs of rock that were flat enough to lay on and sun oneself or you could lay on three different sand bars that offered softer repose. The Dog was in no mood for lying about but I was after such a climb so I tried a rock first and then the sand bar. The rock was comfortable for a time but had a bit of an angle that I kept sliding down. The sand bar was infinitely softer and more level but the flies found me there and pestered me. I decided to follow the Dog's example and walked around a bit.

I found a great deal of cow hoof prints and dung further up the stream but have no idea how those cows could have climbed the waterfalls and rocks to get there. There must be another way into this riverbed that I will have to look for and report on another day.

The Dog and I finally agreed to head back to our casa and it seemed a very long way after all that climbing and hiking. The sun was high in the sky by then and beat down on our heads. I did not mind it too much as it had been absent for so long.

On our arrival home the Dog and I found the Husband out enjoying the sun on our patio with a good book in his hand so we joined him. I brought out oranges and we all had juice running over our hands and paws. The Dog absolutely loves oranges and will stare at me unblinking, watching my every move when I start to peel one. The Dog's rapt attention is so amusing to me that I always laugh and give a section to him. The Dog prefers the peel attached so he can first, chew the whole piece at once to get out all the juice and second, holding the peel with his paw, he uses his teeth to rip out the pulp. Other animals like our oranges too. I put out the older oranges for the Orioles on the palm trees on our patio.. The Orioles come around and work over the Hibiscus flowers first and then after more chattering , fly to the palm trees where I have secured the oranges. There they flutter and chatter and work over the fruit.

The next part of my day was spent reading a very good book about Kit Carson and the settling of New Mexico and California in the middle and late 1800's. It is a thrilling and gruesome story about man's ability to justify the near extinction of another race of man so new territory can be settled and progress and civilization can continue it's march to the Pacific ocean. Kit Carson was a very decent man who had a horrible temper and never let a wrong done to him go unavenged. It seems strange to call him decent with that big of a flaw in his character but for the times he lived in he was one of the most decent of human beings running around slaughtering Native people.

After a good read, some neighbors stopped by for a chat which was nice. They live down the road from us and had come on their ATV's as the day was too nice to be cooped up in a large truck. We chatted a bit until it was time for dinner and they left for their home and us in a very good mood.

I decided that dinner tonight would be steak and baked potato with fried tortilla strips and a good green salad. While tearing the lettuce for the salad, I noticed our neighbors Daughter down on the beach fishing and digging for crabs in the sand. The sea was calm and rolling long slow waves in to the shore line. The Pelicans were flying and diving near the young Woman as they do when they see a human fishing with bait. I turned back to my cooking and the Husband looked out to watch the Girl and see if she had caught a fish. The Husband suddenly yelled to me that a Pelican had become ensnared on her fishing line! I dropped my cookware and headed for my knapsack in the laundry room where I had left it after the Dog and I returned from our walk. I opened it and grabbed a needle nose pliers, a large long handled pliers and my trusty Swiss Army knife all of which I always take with me on my hikes in the wilderness, Just In Case!

I ran for the door and grabbed a small blanket off the end of our couch on my way. As I passed the Husband I asked if the Pelican was still on the line and he replied it was. I told the Husband to keep the Dog in the casa as the Pelican is one of the Dog's arch enemies.

I raced down the stairs that led to the beach and burst through the gate and out on to the sand. As I got closer I could see the Pelicans wing was out at an odd angle and the poor Girl was trying to get the Pelican untangled but the bird was too afraid of her to settle down. When I was closer to them I slowed to a walk so as not to frighten the bird anymore . The young Woman does not speak much English but I made my self understood that I was here to help.

Now I have never rescued a Pelican before but my good friend 'M' had told me what to do in such a situation as he had seen fisherman just cut the fishing line and leave the bird with either a hook in it's beak or hopelessly entangled in the line and left to die a slow horrible death. I was hoping I had listened well to 'M's instructions and that he was correct in his lesson.

I put down my tools and unfolded the blanket I had brought with me. I walked quietly up behind the Pelican and gently floated the blanket out over the top of the bird. As soon as the blanket fell and covered the bird I fell to my knees and held the blanket down on the sand and worked my arms around the birds body and then reached a hand up towards where I hoped it's beak would be. Pelicans are large strong birds and I did not want to hurt either the bird or myself. When I felt what I hoped was the beak I gently closed my hand around the blanket that covered it and the Pelican went still. I motioned to the Girl to get the Swiss Army knife and come to us. The Girl did as she was told and I used my free hand and pulled up the side of the blanket that had the wing wrapped up in the fishing line. The Pelican struggled a bit and then was still again. I talked slow and in low tones to the Girl and asked if the Pelican had gotten the hook anywhere in it's beak and she assured me it was only tangled in the line. We searched the wing and found the line had wrapped many times around it. I continued to hold the beak and keep the bird's body very close to mine so it would not feel the urge to struggle and make matters worse as the fishing line was still attached to the fishing pole! I used my other hand to try to loosen the line enough so the young Woman could cut it and free the wing. We were successful!! I recovered the Pelican with the blanket and then the Girl informed me the the line was also around the bird's neck! I began to feel around the Pelican's neck under the blanket and sure enough it had at least 4 loops around it's neck of line and it was very tight! I gently worked my fingers under the line and the Girl ,using much caution, finally was able to get the tip of the knife under it and cut the bird free. A feeling of great relief came over me as I sat on the sand with the Pelican on my lap under a blanket with it's beak in my one hand and my arms wrapped around it. It finally struck me that I was sitting with a wild creature in my arms whose life I had probably saved and I was unwilling to let it go so soon. It was not what I had imagined it would be. Usually when you walk near Pelicans there is a horrible smell of rotting fish around them and they are very ugly creatures when they are not flying. Strangely enough this Pelican was warm and smelled like the sea and it's feathers were uncommonly soft to the touch. I wanted it to like me and follow me home and sit on my patio with me and follow me and the Dog down the beach on our walks soaring over us like a bomber on patrol of the skies. All this ran through my mind in just seconds and then I knew I had to let it go. I got to my knees with the bundled Pelican still in my arms, released my hold and pulled off the blanket in one move. The Pelican looked around at us spread it's wings and jumped into the air and glided off over the sea and landed amongst it's kin and never looked back.

I gave the Swiss Army knife to my neighbors Daughter in case of future pelican accidents. I gathered up my things and ran for my casa. The Husband was impressed and the Dog could not stop sniffing me and the blanket for a long time and I was elated. I talked too fast and breathed too hard and almost hyperventilated. Then the next thing I knew, I was back in my kitchen making a salad and a steak and some baked potatoes and my day of adventure was done.

PS Dear 'M', Thank you for the instruction on saving a Pelican from fishing line and hooks etc. Muchas Gracias and Abrazos !!!

The Incredible Lightness of Being

Today is the 3rd day of cloudy skies , gray rough seas, strong winds and cold temperatures. It is beginning to affect my moods and my energy. I find myself wanting to sleep all day or just experiencing a fuzziness in my thinking process. If I venture outside at all it is to stand on the veranda, look out over the water and heave great sighs of melancholia.

How important is sunlight or bright light or light in general to Humans?

What sets the general tone of happiness when communicating to other Human Beings?

If you walk into your local coffee shop and greet the barista with, "Isn't is a beautiful rainy, gray day outside. I woke up feeling so good!" The barista will think you are a crazy person. Ain't no sunshine when your gone, another example of the bad way we feel without the light. Your loved one leaves you and so does the sun. You are in the dark all alone.

So our loved ones are the light of our lives, our children are the light of our hearts and even our religions use light to show us the way. Our Savior is the light of the world.

Light is used to make us feel safe so we sleep with a night lite on when we are children. We have security lights installed on our homes when we want to feel secure when we sleep as adults.

Recently there was a rise in an old fashioned disease called Rickets. Rickets was on the rise again in the black communities of the south because they were using sun block on the children to prevent them from getting skin cancer but it also prevented the sun from getting vitamin D into their systems via their skin and the children developed Rickets! So light is essential to our health.

We use light in art and to decorate our houses and to watch our sports at night.

We cannot live with out it in every aspect of our existence.

I hope the light comes back to Paradise soon. I want to go outside and play in the sun with the Dog on the beach and come into the house with a red nose from an exposure of too much sunlight not from a wind burn!